I am sorry.
Sorry to all the readers whom I have inconvenienced by starting a blog and not following through in the end.
And a sorry to myself as well for putting me under such stress during those times when I was still active on this blog.
I have made up my mind about going back to this blog again about two days ago, yet I have only gotten myself together to write this post now because I did not know how I was supposed to say what I am about to right now.
This is a blog post for my return, a confession and an oath.
For my return, why?
It is because after seven months (my last post was on January 7) I realized that I did not miss blogging, and I wondered why it was so when I had spent so many hours planning for it before I launched it on the 28th of May last year, and stuck with it for about 9 months before I suddenly disappeared off the face of WordPress.
This made me wonder why I did not miss something I had loved, and thus, I questioned myself and realized that it was because I hated it.
That is also my confession today: I hated blogging. And it is because of the pressure that I put on myself that after about 2 months, I dreaded the coming of Saturdays for it was my scheduled posting and I did not want to push myself anymore.
I know that pressure is good, but only if done right. I knew that the intention of my pressure was good (I wanted to make quality content, all of the time) but I forgot to take me into account.
I was only 15 years old then, with school works that I also did with much excellence because I was a top student, I couldn’t afford to make mistakes.
In short, I burned myself out and turned my passion of writing into a nightmare.
At the end of 2016, I had a plan to finally be able to blog consistently, but then came January, and after just one post, our Internet connection was halted (I won’t be getting into detail) school happened, and other interesting bits of life appeared in my life that when I wasn’t able to follow up after that post, I just told myself that I will make up for it the next week. The next week came and I never was able to make up for it.
More weeks came that soon turned into months, and now I am here, again.
Why am I back now?
It is because now that I realize the root of why I hated blogging, I am now more confident that I would not hurt myself anymore with blogging.
As I write this now, I realize that confidence is not about trusting your best work, but trusting yourself enough to realize that you can make mistakes even at the things you do best and learn from it, not despite it.
This is my oath now to myself (sorry reader darling): I shall blog only because it is a wonderful thing to do that brings me happiness and not mere, fleeting pride when people praise your work. I will never hurt myself again the way I did before when I demanded too much, and even now, my heart beats faster remembering how I had pressured myself before. No more of that now.
Thus, my oath to you now is this: I have been honest with my previous works before, but now I shall be even more honest with you, my dearest reader. I am young and I still have a lot to learn, so that is why I will not act as though I know just because I have read something about it. Furthermore, all that you will read from now is the lovechild of my happiness and writing, not anymore made from some happiness (I do love this blog) and the stress of just keeping a blog.
Lastly, I know now what I want for my blog, and I wish never to forget about it ever again. Sure, any blogger would want to have their site known, -every writer, no matter how humble does dream of being Homer after all-, but I will not get there by following all the other famous bloggers’ advice that caused me my suffering. No longer do I ask from myself the perfect blog.
My question for you now is: how are you? It’s been a long time since I have been here, and I would love to know how you are feeling. Please share it on the comments below, or if you’d like, shoot me an email through the Contact page.
PS: I do have something to thank my critical self for, and that is, I do not have as much to tinker with anymore like the pages and stuff like those. I can just concentrate on the content now, unless I want to create a new look for it.
Some electronic hugs and kisses to you all, and I hope that wherever you are, you are happy, or will find a reason to be happy pretty soon.
—A shoutout to Eccentric Muse for the email that reminded me that I once had a blog. It’s because of you as well that made me think if I could actually continue blogging.—